Kaneana May’s debut novel The One follows the antics of reality dating show The One and three women on the quest for love, so we got her to watch the premiere of the most recent season of The Bachelor and give her thoughts…
Lights, camera, action…the moment we’ve all been waiting for: to see our hunky astrophysicist*, Matt Agnew, meet his twenty eligible bachelorettes.
So, what do we know about our new bachelor? A little ‘get to know you’ clip reveals that Matt turned his childhood love for space and the stars into his profession. He tells us that, quote, ‘You can’t have a cuddle with a PhD’. A ‘smart’ bachelor? Hearts across Australia swoon…we’re all up for a bit of this.
We’re all familiar with the amusing promo ad of Matt announcing to bachelorette Abbie that he’s an astrophysicist. Say, what? A quick google search tells us that astrophysicists are looking for another planet other than Earth. Okay, cool…right?
Thanks to Mamamia, we know that over the last six months, Matt has gone through quite a transformation from what looks like a sweet and cuddly bookish type to a hunky bachelor, who we’re looking forward to seeing with his top off. It’s The Bachelor, so no doubt we won’t have to wait long!
Now they show us wide establishing shots of the mansion, with excessive fairy lights, flowers and candles as Osher introduces us to Matt, whose love is written in the stars. We’re shown Matt’s interview to camera, where he declares:
He hasn’t always made the best choices;
He fears ending up alone;
He’s scared he might miss out on love and
He has to trust the stars align and he can meet the girl of his dreams.
Yep, that’s a pretty solid intro. Nice work, Team Bachelor.
— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume) July 31, 2019
We hear the producer ask Matt the question we have all been wondering:
‘You’re going to pick someone in the end?’
Because Bach fans aren’t going to forget Nick Cummins AKA The Honey Badger’s inability to find true love. Don’t let the country down, Matt!
It’s time for a SEASON PREVIEW, where we see a montage of bitchiness, tears and a whole lot of swearing, including a clip of a pissed-off Matt declaring it’s been a tremendous waste of time. Okay, so plenty of drama to come. But then the music changes and we see a stream of dates, lots of kissing, roses, more kissing…and finally Matt’s voice over of him declaring his love for an unseen bachelorette. Woohoo! Let the games begin and with that we…cue the limousines… It’s time for the red carpet.
First we meet Helena, a health and wellness coach in a stunning white dress, who has a gorgeous accent. He asks her to do a little spin for him (is that weird?) and then bombards her with questions. A little flustered, he takes her hands and together they steady their breaths. Aww… She can speak French and he impresses both her and us that he can speak a little French himself.
Next up we have Chelsie, another blonde who gives him a present…a temporary tattoo of a love molecule, which she puts on his chest. (Told you it wouldn’t be long until we got a sneak at his naked torso.) Chelsea’s into chemistry…and Matt feels their chemistry!
In comes Abbie…the girl we’ve seen on the ads for the past few months. We once again watch as Abbie dubs herself as her star sign Gemini and Matt graciously tells her that he’s a Leo (loyal, consistent and puts their heart into every relationship).
Kristen, who very quickly becomes ‘The China Girl’, is flirty and with a glint in her eyes, comments that she’s noticed Matt is checking out ‘her box’. Heads out of the gutter! She’s brought him a…fortune cookie! His fortune is ‘all the love you desire is in your reach’. Nice play, Kristen. Nice play. Matt dazzles her with some basic mandarin and Kristen is beyond excited…and I mean, at this point, so am I. He’s already brought out some French with Helena. How many languages can this guy speak?
We’re now shown a montage as we meet a series of girls. We suspect that maybe some of them won’t be sticking around for long, but they do have some impressive props—a Lego rose, a Pilates workout, a Brazilian-style dance, and my favourite, a special Love Actually reference from Hannah.
Nichole from the Gold Coast arrives on her motorbike, promises a wild ride and oozes confidence. She wants to find a guy to do “fun shit” with. Oh, dear… I don’t know that Mr Astrophysicist is really going to dig that kind of language…?
— cat (@yagirlcat1) July 31, 2019
Model Vakoo brings her own red carpet for both her and Matt to do some catwalking on. Matt impresses, but I’m not sure Vakoo does. She leaves him with the promise of, ‘Once you go black, you never go back’.
We meet Emma, who claims she’s an old-fashioned romantic. She gushes to camera just how perfect and handsome he is, whilst she outlines to Matt what kind of wedding she wants. Okay, maybe a little too much, too soon?
The music dips and Elly the registered nurse from Newcastle with a big smiling face enters. They roast love heart marshmallows on a fire…because Elly wants to give Matt a taste of the country girl she is. She grew up in Parkes…where The Dish is…she’s immediately speaking his language. He declares she’s amazing, she claims butterflies in her belly…and the women across Australia know she’s one to watch!
Inside the house the girls talk about wanting to frolic in the magical mansion, the perfect place to find love! Then they talk about how DIVINE Matt is! Except for Rachael, the girl who arrived in a wedding gown, who tells the others that she didn’t even think he was hot. Cue claws coming out…
— GRACE (@GraceGarde) July 31, 2019
Osher arrives (squealing at this!) and talks to the girls about how lucky he’s been to see love stories unfolding before his eyes on previous seasons…and hopefully this will be the same. He brings out a bachelor first. A GOLDEN TICKET!!! We don’t know what it is, but we’re all excited. (Is anyone else thinking about Willy Wonka and chocolate?)
Okay, so if you hold the Golden Ticket, you go on a date with Matt to his hometown of Melbourne! Osher promises that whichever girl receives the ticket will get a glimpse at what a future with Matt would look like. Once again, nice work, Bach Team…that’s a good one.
Matt enters…the girls swoon. He toasts ‘to love’, genuinely telling them he’s here to find love. And then takes Emma away for the first chat. Emma was the one who outlined her ideal wedding, and we’re all a bit shocked that she got chosen first up. Emma pronounces ‘perfect’ puurrr-fect. She adores Matt. Really adores him. So much so that she gushes to the other women, ‘What will our initials be when we get married?’ Say, what? Are we in primary school?
It all gets a little chaotic, everyone going in for the kill out of desperation to have time with Matt.
Vakoo tells us that she thinks Matt is like a three layer, triple choc fudge cake that she’s able to see and smell but hasn’t been able to taste! She doesn’t want to leave the house before she gets the chance to taste the cake. We’re all thinking about cake now, aren’t we?
— Jessica Lynch (@jesskalynch) July 31, 2019
Helena and Matt, who look pretty darn gorgeous together, have a chat in a somewhat private garden. I mean, nowhere on The Bachelor is private, is it? But before they’ve really had a chance to get the conversation going, Hannah interrupts and dominates the time with discussion about Lord of the Rings and her fascination with Elfish language. We all know that Hannah just made herself an enemy to Helena.
We see Elly again…oh, we all like her because she talks about respecting each other and giving people enough time to get to know Matt. She requests time with Matt after he has finished his conversation. Team Elly is growing at rapid speed.
Except Vakoo brings out her red carpet again to try and steal Matt’s attention…and then Nichole, confident she’s getting the Golden Ticket, steals Matt away. And we all just want to get back to Elly.
Instead there’s a fabulous clip of Kristen talking about how much she loves China. Bravo to the editors, that was very amusing. Rachael comments that she thinks Kristen has been paid by China to promote their country. I did giggle at that.
Yay, finally time for Elly again. I mean, who wouldn’t want this smiling girl to be their nurse? She tells Matt that she loves helping people, but her job has also made her want to make the most of what life has to offer, because she understands how quickly it could all be taken away. Give her the Golden Ticket!
Jealous Emma is given some more screen time, but the more she’s allocated, the more intense she seems.
The music changes when Chelsie gets some one-on-one time and gets to check his chest and her molecule temporary tattoo again. We sense she’s in with a chance. And the other girls realise this too…
Time for the Golden Ticket… And it’s Elly for the win! Matt’s smiling, Elly’s smiling… I’m smiling! She gives him butterflies but also makes him feel relaxed. He thinks there could be something special between them.
We cut to the girls watching on, they all know Elly is a frontrunner who they deem ‘wife material’, ‘would complement anyone’ and who one of them can only hope is not a good kisser’! I had another giggle at this.
We settle in for the rose ceremony. Osher reminds the girls that ‘every moment counts’ and says he’s sure they’re all wondering if they made the most of their time. There are seventeen roses to give…yep, we all know this is going to take a while…I’m yawning by this stage but manage a laugh when Kristen’s name is called, and the editors change the music to that of Chinese orient. We see Emma getting increasingly stressed until her name is called out. And like all Bachelor seasons, we see girls get roses who haven’t even been given any screen time yet. And then finally Rachael (who arrived in a bridal gown) is chosen as the very last girl. Really?
— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) July 31, 2019
Two girls are sent home and whilst some girls declare ‘game on’, a voice over of gushing Emma tells us all the things she already loves about Matt.
We’re shown a preview of tomorrow night…when another eight (intruder) girls arrive to really ramp up the tension!
We’re promised that the stars will definitely shine in Matt’s search for love. Get ready, Australia…we’re in for a ride!
In the meantime, if you need a behind-the-scenes fix of a reality television show, be sure to check out my novel The One, which is out now.