Twilight: A Recap Fit For Spooktober!

I’ve never seen a Twilight movie, so I decided to watch all 5 and I’m speechless.

Picture it. It’s 2005 and the literary world was hit with a teenage phenomenon that was as big as Harry Potter. Teenage girls (and grown women) all over the world suddenly fell into one of two camps: Team Jacob or Team Edward. Werewolf or Vampire. Then just 3 years later came the first of 5 movies. So now I will finally admit that I have never read a Twilight book or seen any of the movies. There are various reasons for that. But here I am 15 years later and I’m ready to see what all the fuss is about.

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I can’t get over those jacked-up wigs!

• Never have I ever seen so many terrible wigs in such a short time. Can people not be trusted to have their own hair? Even Academy Award nominee Kristen Stewart is consigned a wig in the first movie and nearly every other movie after that.

• I’ve noticed that in flashbacks of the vampires when they were human they have their own luscious locks, so I can only assume becoming a vampire means an eternity of bad hair.
• I’m surprised those wigs stay on their heads – the number of backflips and throwing themselves around they do, those things must be superglued on! At one point it just looked like wigs flying through the trees. It’s actually terrifying. I still have nightmares about those awful wigs.

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For someone who doesn’t want to be rescued, Bella sure gets herself into some dire situations.

• We all have that friend who seems to always get injured or end up in difficult situations. I’m usually that person. Bella however is Nek level – she spends all her time proclaiming she doesn’t want to be rescued and then immediately almost gets hit by a car, is heckled by teenage boys, falls off a dirt bike, gets attacked by multiple evil red-eyed vampires, is fought over by a pack of wolves, falls off a cliff, nearly drowns and almost dies at least 6 times. Someone really needs to wrap the girl up in bubble wrap and not let her see the light of day. She literally can’t even go for a casual walk in the dark forest without somehow ending up in a ditch for 7 hours. No wonder Edward and Jacob are beside themselves every time she steps outside the house.

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Watching Edward and Bella fall in love is the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen on TV.

• There is a moment in the first movie when Edward watches as Bella takes a seat beside him and he gasps and shudders like a fish out of water. Rude much? There begins the visceral physical attraction Edward supposedly has for Bella from that moment on. At one point he says ‘you’re like my own personal brand of heroin’. How romantic and awful.

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• We are treated to plenty of close-ups of lip chewing and jaw clenching which after a while is mesmerising. How does an actress manage to go 5 movies without closing her mouth? Edward and Bella’s teeth need their own dramatic movie recap!!
• Which leads to my next point – why does everyone mumble? My neighbours must think I’m an elderly deaf woman – the volume levels I had to turn my TV up to just to hear a single sentence was diabolical. We are talking volume levels in the 70s. My TV hasn’t gone up that high since I watched season 1 of True Detective.

Bella’s taste in men is simply terrible.

• There is no polite way of putting it but I’m very sorry to say Edward is a creep. He follows her around, sneaks into her bedroom, watches her sleep and even astral projects himself when she is trying to have a fun night out with her friend. He has quite a temper and I don’t think he trusts her all that much. Then to top it all off he suddenly breaks up with her, leaves town but continues to stalk her night and day in a wool suit in the middle of summer. What was he thinking?

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Why is no one addressing the herd of elephants in the room?

• I’m deeply disturbed that none of these creepy people surrounding Bella ever think for a second that a teenage girl with a 100+ vampire boyfriend is an issue. Plus she spent 4 movies wishing for death and no one batted an eye except a werewolf. How nice!
• My husband and my entire apartment block may need some kind of counselling after Bella’s birth scene. Remember – TV volume was still on 70!

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• Edward and Bella clearly did not consult the worst baby bogan names of all time list. Who or more accurately what is a Renesmee?

• Not only can the cast of Twilight not be trusted with their own hair, but a human baby /toddler is also off limits. The Chucky doll was clearly busy that day. Once again bad wigs start early. Poor Renesmee is such a creepy CGI toddler – why saddle her with terrible hair as well?

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My final analysis.

• Where do I begin? In preparation for writing this, I read a few articles that were written back in the day about these movies and there were lots of very valid things said. I, however, do not agree with any of them. There were articles that praised Bella for her strong character and agency and others that spoke of the amazing love story, but what I witnessed for over 10 hours was a confusing jumble of mixed messages and terrible acting. Bella and Edward’s saga is not a love story – it’s a horror story of the highest order.