Brothers of the Vine
Forever Evermore
Women of W.A.R.
Buzzfeed wrote an article ranking 31 Disney Guys from ‘Nope’ to ‘Yes I Would Bang That Cartoon’, but we weren’t quite sure they got the order right.
So, three of our writers here at Romance.com.au, Courtney, Saskia and Eloise, got together to rank their Top 21 Disney Dudes, based on highly objective and scientific criteria (we promise ?).
21. The Beast/ Prince Adam – Beauty & the Beast
Saskia: Is it wrong to marry a man(/beast) and then divorce him and take his library in the settlement? If not, 10/10. Otherwise, a hard pass from me. He’s a jerk and I will die on this hill.
-100/10
Eloise: Agreed, would 1000x marry him for his library, divorce him and get the library as alimony.
10/10 for library design skills.
1/10 for Beast
Courtney: Nasty temper, but it’s all to mask his pain and soft, tender heart. My favourite kind of bad boy. I will meet you on the battlefield of your rage, Beast, and we will emerge victorious. Also: rich + prince + lonely = can support online shopping addiction, I will be Queen, and endless attention with no competition.
8/10
Combined score: -91
20. Prince Florian – Snow White
Saskia: Maybe it’s the old animation style, but he’s just so bland. He’s like white bread. I’d rather date one of the dwarves. I think the sleepy one and I would have a lot in common.
2/10
Eloise: So so bland I didn’t even know what his name was. Also he kisses a girl without her consent #notcool
1/10
Courtney: Prince Florian has about as much sexual attraction as toadstool. It’s weird, and kinda slimy.
2/10
Combined score: 5
19. Prince Charming – Cinderella
Saskia: I just feel there could have been a better way of Prince Charming finding his bae than getting people to try on her lost shoe. Like did he not think that maybe multiple people in town wear a size 8 slipper?
I’m sorry but 2/10 for stupidity.
Eloise: Bland good looks, a bland personality and a bit dumb. It’s a no from me.
3/10
Courtney: A glimpse inside dear Prince Charming’s head: Ah yes, pretty girl, she like me because I prince. Wait. She running away. Why. Stop. I must hunt you because I PRINCE AND ALL GIRL LIKE ME!!!
1/10
Combined score: 6
18. Phoebus – The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Saskia: What is on his face? Did his moustache get confused and grow too far down?
3/10
Eloise: I too am not a fan of the beard (and why is it a darker colour, weird?). However, of all the Disney men he is one of the Good Ones…
4/10
Courtney: Boring, budget John Smith.
3/10
Combined score: 10
17. Prince Philip – Sleeping Beauty
Saskia: If you can’t handle me in my snack-stained pyjamas on day two of a Netflix binge then you don’t deserve me at my best – and Prince Philip certainly couldn’t. He’s as shallow as they come and I want none of it.
1/10
Eloise: The handsome face of Prince Charming, with a snarky personality (‘No Carrots!’) and a penchant for sweeping romantic gestures. What girl doesn’t want to be swept off her feet in a musical ‘meet-cute’ in the forest, or rescued from a fire-breathing dragon by a gorgeously handsome prince in leggings? -2 points for problematic non-consensual kissing.
8/10
Courtney: Yeah hi, thanks for slaying the dragon and all that but please remove your lips from my unconscious body????
3/10
Combined score: 12
16. Simba – The Lion King
Saskia: Ok let’s be real, we’re all weirded out by the fact that we think a cartoon lion is hot. But it’s fine. This is 2019. He has a luscious mane and I can get behind that.
7/10
Eloise: Let’s be real, he’s a hot lion. But also a bit of an immature jerk at parts of the movie.
6/10
Courtney: Guys, he’s a lion. This is weird.
???/10
Kovu (Lion King 2) on the other hand…
Combined score: 13
15. Kuzco – The Emperor’s New Groove
Saskia: Look, I know I said I was ok with the Simba thing, but if you search Lions on YouTube, it’s all majestic mane swishing and those wholesome videos where you see safari-types reunite with their long-lost Lion buddies. If you search Llamas, it’s just a 20 minute long compilation of those long-necked spitballs attacking people. Enough said.
3/10
Eloise: Unlike other anthropomorphised heroes on this list (see Robin Hood) in this case I’ll take a hard pass on Kuzco the Llama… As a human Kuzco is a bit of an immature brat, and you know he’d always love his palace and royal robes more than you.
4/10
Ps 100/10 for Kronk – a hunky dude with bulging muscles, a soft heart and culinary skills of the gods = the perfect man
Courtney: Banter – yes. Money and status – yes. Romantic appeal – nuh uh. No touchy, Kuzco.
5/10
And yes, I concur. 100/10 for Kronk. Give me a good set of biceps and a well-cooked meal and I am good to go.
Combined score: 13
14. Robin Hood – Robin Hood
Saskia: I know I was ok with the whole lion thing, but for some reason Hood reminds me too much of my dog. This is where I draw the line.
4/10
Eloise: Ok, so he may be a fox but he can GET IT. His snark, his pure and sweet love for Marian, and his whole ‘rob the rich feed the poor’ vibe… Weirdly, I’m very into this.
7.5/10
Courtney: Too much fox, not enough human. I prefer Nick from Zootopia… heheh.
3/10
Combined score: 14.5
13. Milo – Atlantis: The Lost Empire
Saskia: Aw Milo is adorable. I love a learned man and mythology is my jam, so he gets a thumbs up for me.
8/10.
Eloise: A hot nerd?! Sign me up!
7.5/10
Courtney: Milo is a lamp to me. Albeit a wonderful, funny, smart, short-sighted lamp.
1/10
Combined score: 16.5
12. Eric – The Little Mermaid
Saskia: Cute but generic. He’s definitely better than the other OG princes, but not by enough to push him over the halfway mark. His doggo gets an 11/10 though – who’s a good boy? Max is!
5/10
Eloise: Prince Eric’s coal black hair, soulful blue eyes and dazzling smile certainly made six-year old me swoon, he is the epitome of romantic hero good looks. But now, eh? He’s a little too bland and generic in comparison to some of the more contemporary men.
7.5/10
Courtney: He’s cute but I agree, quite boring. And afraid to make a move! Ain’t nobody got time for men who don’t know what they want!
6/10
Combined score: 18.5
11. Tarzan – Tarzan
Saskia: He’s pretty hot in a rugged wild-man sort of way, and I appreciate the he doesn’t wear shoes as I too loathe wearing shoes. But I have no desire to live in a jungle. Think of the bugs *shudder*.
6/10
Eloise: He looks good in a loincloth. But also his hygiene habits are probably non-existent. And no-one wants that.
6/10
Courtney: You just KNOW that Jane was feeling all kinds of things any time Tarzan was around, oozing animal magnetism and pure kindess. Also abs. Many, many abs.
7.5/10
(Special mention of Alexander Skarsgård in The Legend of Tarzan. I literally have no words. Only drool).
Combined score: 19.5
10. John Smith – Pocahontas
Saskia: John starts out as kind of a douche, but his character growth is actually pretty spectacular. I’m not into your standard hot blonde guy but his personality makes up for it.
7/10
Eloise: I do love a strong jawline… but that’s about it here
5/10
Courtney: I love nothing more than a sarcastic, intelligent, and physically capable man (read: talent for fisticuffs). John shows he is capable of growth and change when given the appropriate motivation (read: beautiful, intelligent women). I have been John Smith trash since age 2 and I have not stopped since.
9/10
Combined score: 21
9. Kristoff – Frozen
Saskia: Hello muscly ice man, you can keep me warm. Not into the hairdo though.
8/10
Eloise: Yep not into the hairdo AT ALL. He’s sweet, and has more personality than most of the Disney men… but eh? Something about his ‘boy-next-door’ aesthetic is not fully charming me.
7/10
Courtney: HELLO SWEET BOI please cuddle me. But keep that reindeer off the bed, ugh.
6/10
Combined score: 21
8. Roger Radcliffe – 101 Dalmations
Saskia: If you treat my dog right, then you’re a winner in my eyes. Roger is definitely the kind of guy to treat your dog (or all of your 101 dogs) right, so I’m sold. Bonus points for the snarky piano jam sessions.
9/10
Eloise: You just know Roger is the kinda guy who would love a date where you just read books side by side, nestled in a comfy couch with your dogs curled up beside you. Plus he’s got those ‘dishevelled academic’ good looks and could definitely serenade you with his musical talents.
9.5/10
Courtney: You are a lovely human, but tall, lanky men have never been my type.
4/10
Combined score: 22.5
7. Hercules – Hercules
Saskia: He likes skirts. I like skirts. I guess we could trade? Plus he’s pretty hot and I’m down for the whole Ancient Greek aesthetic so…
8/10
Eloise: I do love a man with rippling muscles and a strong jawline… and the fact that he’s has a sweet bashful personality underneath makes him all the more adorable.
8/10
Courtney: You cute, but you dumb.
6.5/10
Combined score: 22.5
6.Naveen – The Princess and the Frog
Saskia: I haven’t seen Princess And The Frog so this is purely based on appearance, but he is HAWT. But only in people form. Let me make that clear, I would not date a frog.
9/10 (-1 point since I’d have to kiss a frog to get to the hot boy part).
Eloise: So. Damn. Handsome. (even as a frog don’t @ me). He is suave and charming AF, and you know he’d seduce you immediately with those deep brown eyes…
10/10
Courtney: I liked him better as a sassy frog with masculinity issues.
6/10
Combined score: 24
5. Tadashi – Big Hero 6
Saskia: Tadashi is lovely. He’s just so sweet to his brother and aunt, and he’s a genius. I’m slightly put out by the fact that he’s ***SPOILERS** dead, but you win some you lose some I guess.
8/10
Eloise: This gorgeous cinnamon roll was TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD. *sobs*
8.5/10
Courtney: You can wear as many unassuming t-shirts and cardigans as you want, boy, but you can’t hide those strong shoulders and defined pectorals from me. Please come back to life and I promise to be the greatest sister-in-law of all time to Hiro.
8/10
Combined score: 24.5
4. David – Lilo & Stitch
Saskia: David is cute and his relationship with Lilo is adorbs. Also RIPPED SURFER BOD.
9/10
Eloise: Mature. Handsome. Respectful of women. Give him a haircut and I am IN!
9/10
Courtney: Adorable-caring-effort-making-boy – a true mythical creature.
7/10
Combined score: 25
3. Aladdin – Aladdin
Saskia: He’s cute, funny, he has a flying carpet – what more can a girl ask for? It’s a yes from me!
10/10
Eloise: Agreed. With his devilishly handsome looks, quick-wit, sense of fun (and tbh sense of style YAAS tiny purple waistcoat) he is definitely up there on my list.
10/10
Courtney: A bit immature, if you ask me. But he gives a good chase to get the girl, which I can definitely appreciate.
5/10
Combined score: 25
2. Flynn – Tangled
Saskia: There is nothing better than a snarky bad-boy come good, except for maybe a hot snarky bad-boy come good. Flynn is a SNACK.
10/10
Eloise: Simply dreamy, if often a bit of a jerk. I am all about the floppy bits of hair that fall into his eyes…also the whole badass renegade robber thing definitely works for me. And the SMOULDER.
9/10
Courtney: My most perfect human and favourite Disney prince of all time. Bad boy ✔️ Sarcastic ✔️ Quick-witted ✔️ Strong shoulders ✔️ Stubble ✔️ A TOUGH EXTERIOR THAT HIDES A TENDER HEART OF INNOCENCE AND LOVE ✔️ ✔️ ✔️ ✔️ ✔️
10/10
Combined score: 29
1. Li Shang – Mulan
Saskia: Li Shang is a sweet cinnamon roll and I will hear no bad words about him.
100/10.
Eloise: Agreed. A HUNKY GORGEOUS MAN (who may or may not be bisexual) whose tough exterior hides a sweetly awkward and bashful soul. WE STAN LI SHANG.
10/10
Courtney: Strong ✔️ Commanding ✔️ Will kill for me ✔️ The only reason he doesn’t get a 10 from me is that my heart belongs to another…
8.5/10
Combined score: 118.5
** After writing this list…**
How did we do? Do you agree with our list? Let us know in the comments below.