First of all, Angie is adorable and I, too, never know what to do with my hands. Osher welcomes her to the mansion as the mythical, ethereal oracle of reality TV love that he is. People now must seek him out by wandering through mountains and fighting sea monsters to get love advice.
First dude, Long Haired Dude #1 (Tim), brought Angie a GIANT bouquet of sunflowers and it happens to be Angie’s favourite flower. A sign? She’s already smitten with guy #1.
OMG he took his jacket off and gave it to her because she’s cold and okay Long Haired Dude #1 is sweet. A+ for effort, Tim, but sweetie brush your hair, you don’t always have to look like you’ve just been electrocuted.
She does the “byeeeeee~” that girls do when it’s not really goodbye. Love it.
Now we move on to some clean-cut-probably-claps-when-the-plane-lands Carlin. When she says she’s never heard that name before he just goes “Yeah it’s strange,” and doesn’t elaborate. The name Carlin means “little champion” and now I see why he didn’t elaborate.
A PUPPY JAMIE BROUGHT A PUPPY
HE’S A FIREFIGHTER
“So Angie, look out, I’m coming in hot.” And then he goes, “That’s a fireman pun.” We got it, Jamie. We got it. I have never lost physical interest in a human being faster than this.
I love Rosie more than all of these men. Rosie is the dog.
Unfortunately, Jamie has a punchable face and he explains puns so he has the shelf-life of egg salad. Bye Jamie, thank you for the dog.
White tennis shoes and a bright orange jumper? The music playing in the background says this guy doesn’t give a SINGLE FUCK. His name is Kayde (sp?) and he’s a Ken-doll douche. This is this season’s Paddy. Despite wearing the outfit, he is definitely not a lifeguard, because he would become distracted by his own reflection in one of those pools that house blue octopi.
“I’m trying to portray something there.” You 👏) Are 👏 Not 👏 Zac 👏 Efron 👏
** At Romance.com.au we stan the REAL ZEfron**
Next, some adorable person with tattoos comes along on a bike, and I was about to destroy him for still having a bike. Then he said, “I really wanted to bring my bike and teach you how to ride, and then hopefully on the last afternoon we can ride off into the sunset together.” And I adore BMX Matt now.
We have a narrative lull, in which unmemorable men come strolling through like a nursery rhyme about piggies:
Jessie does not speak.
Alex has plaid pants and a black turtleneck. Roman Polanski called and he wants his wardrobe back.
Glen gave her art and that was cool.
Josh came with a crocodile and he works in a zoo and I hate and love him at the same time.
Oliver is the Jules of this season and said, “See ya later, girl power” after giving her beer.
Jackson definitely looks like a sales manager. And a villain in a Disney original movie.
“Can I take my shoes off yet?” Angie is a real human.
Next, we get some saucy music, so we know that a main protagonist is about to arrive on the red carpet. His name is Ciarran, pronounced Kieran, and he’s an English guy with an, apparently, sexy accent. We get footage of him taking a shower and it is reconfirmed that English people should not fake tan.
Ciarran is Long Haired #2, by the way, and looks like Cary Elwes was microwaved for too long.
Tom, Gregor, Warwick (wholesome), Scott (Jack Gyllenhaal knock-off), Mitchell, Hayden just skip on thru.
Next, we have a display of A+ cringe, normally only captured in passing on night mode forums in the “Dark Web”, but today we get to see it play out live as it comes to consume its meal: a pretty blonde lady. This is rarer than the last footage of the Thylacine and explains why the human population is in crisis. Please refer to the scientific observations below:
A GUY COMES AS A KING WITH HIS OWN THRONE CAN WE NOT?
CAN WE NOT?
HE CAN’T EVEN CARRY THE THRONE.
“You have no idea how sore my little trotters are right now.” Omg so cute. NOT.
He’s a local councillor? For Noosa? He gave her the town key? Cringe.
He gave her the key to his apartment.
King Cringe. That’s it that’s his name now. I didn’t even catch his real name.
OH we get to see the men react to King Cringe. They hate him. Men are so bitchy and our species is about to go extinct for a reason.
Brad going in undercover is such a good plot twist. He has excellent facial hair and is just trying to help his sister get through this with her sanity intact and I appreciate this. Some might say it’s a little fallacious to do this so early on in the season, and they are probably the ones who talk the most shit behind their girlfriend’s back. Brad is pretty. His facial hair is very strategically done for his sharp jawline, his hair is smoothed back with a fade on the side. Noice.
“You’ll be alright, they’re lovely.” Hahahaha
“OI BAYWATCH” One of the men yell out to the Not-Zac Efron of the bunch. And that’s it that’s his name now.
Evil-Sales-Manager Jackson has a little panic about the meat pie incident and despite the fact that he looks like an embalmed druglord it was adorable to watch him freak out over it.
Osher introduces the 24-hour rose and to be honest, I do not like any human remotely enough to spend a full 24 hours with them.
I just realised I spelled a name wrong. It’s not Tim it’s Timm. I’ve never cared less.
“Too keen is too much.” Words of wisdom from our mate, Tim(m).
Do you just, like, say “Tim” for a little bit longer than normal?
Firefighter and Pun Explainer Jamie is the Charlie of this season and we all know that dog is dead.
“If I want my time with her I’m going to have to cut the grass, hey?” Can someone explain that to me when I’m older? Not-Zac Efron cuts his grass, I guess? And Jamie is upset (see: possessive).
Carlin seems very sweet but the dude has a guitar. The other men go, “That’s a killer, hey?” And I can confirm as a woman that it is not hot. I don’t care. It’s cringe and he is the Cringe Duke.
He also probably puts a sticker over his webcam.
Not-Zac Efron, also known as OI BAYWATCH, also known as Kayde, also known as Paddy 2.0, jumps on in and tries to play the guitar and then ruins his chances by yelling to the boys, “I’m having a crack and that’s why we’re all here, right boys?!” Like, obviously, the legal jargon on the contract was “have a crack” but you’re not supposed to disclose it.
Then he asks for 5 minutes with Angie. It becomes tense. The music tells us that it’s become tense. The boys look at each other like shocked Pikachus and we’re all a little bit uncomfortable. It’s too much. I’m stressed despite the fact that I’m drinking mulled wine. I should NOT be stressed out right now. But I am.
“Shit’s getting real.” You are correct, Tim(m).
How is Brad going in his secret mission? We check in. The other men are talking about Angie’s sparkly boobs. It’s going swimmingly.
CARRIN TWERKS AND I HATE IT.
Kayde/Not-Zac-Efron/Paddy 2.0/OI BAYWATCH goes, “I just talked about myself.” RIP boy.
King Cringe doesn’t want the 24-hour rose? Why are you here? Who carries a fucking chair? A FUCKING CHAIR? I’m still mad.
Angie calls one of the men who swoop in a “Sneakasorus-Rex” and I laughed for longer than I should have.
As a politician, King Cringe fucked himself.
Angie is so angry that her fake eyelashes are QUAKING, and we all know we only feel that once in a blue moon.
She confronts him and he goes, “Oh really?” And laughs.
“Oh shit, I put my foot in it.” He says, and goes, “I did not think someone would tell Angie.” Boy you bad at politics. Someone royal commission him. It’ll be the easiest inquest every done. Then he goes after all the men for telling on him? They gather around together and discuss how much of an idiot he is, and he decides that it was Jamie who dobbed him in. So they summon the Firefighter and Pun Explainer by drawing a dick on the ground and pouring VB in the middle.
Tim(m) announces that we’re in the honesty circle.
They continue to argue and King Cringe eggs Firefighter and Pun Explainer/Charlie 2.0 on and he gets pretty fired up. The tempo of the music becomes faster, and they gently push each other. Gently.
Firefighter and Pun Explainer is on the verge on tears and…actually cries. Actually starts crying. What do I do?
I don’t think Jamie is ready to be on a reality show…
All the boys having a sook now? What just happened?
Tim(m) is actually so wise when he says, “What Susie says about Sally says more about Susie than it does Sally.” I also think he might be high.
Evil-Sales Manager was so surprised to see Osher come back from whence he came. I have a feeling he’s never watched any of these shows. We all know that Osher is the real reason why anyone is watching, and he appears out of no-where so that he can check-point save our game when we pass him.
Osher reveals that there is an imposter amongst the group that is related to Angie and Tim(m) says, “Is that Angie’s Dad wearing the cape?”
Niranga goes, “There’s a brother in the house? Clearly it’s not me.” LOL
Now we move on to the rose ceremony and the 24-hour rose hasn’t been given out yet. Brad and Angie have a chat in which it becomes obvious that Brad will tell her everything he’s heard. The boys worry about what they’ve said and they should. This is a good lesson in what we call “locker room talk” in that if you don’t think the girl you like would like hearing what you’re saying about her, maybe you should shut the fuck up.
Brad advocates for Guitar playing Carlin, BMX Matt, and Evil Sales Manager Jackson. So, all the wholesome guys that did not look at Angie’s boobs that a brother would choose. Obviously. She chooses Carlin-uses-the-proper-steep-function-on-the-fancy-kettle-for-oolong-tea for the 24-hour rose and it’s wholesome and cute and I’m okay with this.
I don’t even wanna comment on Jamie’s little rant that resemble the “he’s a huge threat” and “he’s not being a mate” by not letting you steal his girl. This is why women die in the hands of their partners, because they are treated like Subway sandwiches that can only be eaten and used once by one human in history, and anything outside of that is the purest form of sacrilege.
Rose ceremony, a Poem:
Why is King Cringe still wearing the cape? What a shit-eating grin he has.
Matt gets the first rose and he’s still a cutie.
Evil Sales manager gets a rose.
Niranga gets a rose.
Jamie (lord no) get’s a rose and King Cringe is upset. But they’re both terrible.
Adam. I didn’t even see this guy come through initially?
Scott (Jake Gyllenhaal)
Tim(m) finally gets a rose and we need his wisdom more than anything right now.
“I’m cute and I have a nice smile” fuck off King Cringe
Jessie (??) gets a rose.
Not-Zac-Efron accepts his rose, of course.
SHE CHOOSES KING CRINGE?
He pauses when she asks if he will accept this rose????
Pauses? And then says yes?
Is this an attempt to make a joke? To make her laugh?
“Mate, go back to the old person’s home in Noosa.” Thank you, Tim(m)
King Cringe is too proud of himself…
Guys whose names I don’t remember go home.